11-15-10
10-17-10
Wellspring
In the stillness of the morning, I listen for your voice.
In the calmness of the trees I look for movement.
There is nothing.
I am alone.
Standing on the cold earth
I burrow deep into the surface, creating a space to hide.
In the hiding I find you.
You are the source of life and can’t be seen when my
eyes are only searching the surface.
You wait in the depths and allow me to hide, to tap into
your very being, you feed me from a source that is pure.
The space I hid in grows with me,
stretching painfully
till the crusty surface that held me in
gives way.
Once again I am exposed.
I don’t need to listen for your voice
Or look for you in the wind.
I am not alone for you have become a part of me.
You are within me to the point that this life that I live
Is not my own.
Be my wellspring.
Be my guide.
Be my life.
Grow me strong.
10-17-10
Even though I was gifted with several beautiful journals, I haven't been regular with writing my thoughts down, when I have... most often I find myself scribbling on a scrap of paper. Here's some of what I've scribbled....
*I am feeling ... shocked that I have cancer. fearful that it is hiding someplace that the Arimidex won't find and kill. sad that I am not in school with Angie and that we won't graduate together.
*Spiritual Formation, that’s what the degree at Seminary that I am pursuing is called. People have asked me what it means and honestly I haven’t had a good answer. What I’ve realized in this Adventure with Cancer, is that spiritual formation is nothing but foundation building. It’s realizing that this life has depth, yes I am nothing but “Dust in the Wind” but this “Dust” that I am, is made up of components too fine for the mortal eye to see.
*Life. Poets throughout time have tried to capture the essence of that which is so elusive. We don’t know the number of breaths that will make up our life. We don’t know the joys or the sorrows that will work their way through our life, but we do know they will come. Sometimes in waves that seem to never end, sometimes with a whisper that is so faint we hardly notice.
*I don’t think God is to blame for cancer, car accidents or hurricanes.
9-17-10
"The Dr.'s waiting rooms that I sit in now are full of people who have cancer; it's a different feel from my regular Dr.'s office. I can tell that not all of them are as lucky as I was to have it caught in Stage 1. I want to hug them all but instead I bury my head in a book and ask God to be with them." – My facebook status on Sept 16th
Later that day I was at Dr. Johnson’s office. She is the surgeon who did my mastectomies and ridded me of the cancer; she specializes in Breast Cancer and is director of the cancer center for the Legacy hospital system. The waiting room was full, I had been warned coming into my first visit to bring a book and expect to wait and had yet to be disappointed.
I was waiting with good company, for the first time everyone waiting seemed to be chatty, turns out we were all experienced, having had our operations and most anticipating this being our last visit with Dr. Johnson. When I say waiting, I’m not talking 15 or 20 minutes… we were over the hour mark and I had learned about Elvis concerts from a lady who had been and still is a huge fan of his and that my discomfort and low energy level is normal, as those ladies had less done than I did and were in the same shape as me.
Finally, the door into her office opened and as the family emerged, a hush fell over the waiting room. The family rushed out the door with teary eyes and hands full of papers and notebooks. You could have heard a pin drop as we sat there and then as one voice we all said “first visit.” The lady who loves Elvis said, “That’s why we are running late,” the rest of us nodded as we remembered our first visit and how intense it was. Unlike other waiting rooms I’ve been in, no one had been complaining about the wait, and the family rushing out reminded us of why we choose that office. Dr. Johnson, she doesn’t treat you like a “number.” When you are with her, time stands still and as busy as you know she is, she doesn’t rush and that atmosphere permeates the office. It was almost 2hrs before I saw her, and it was my last visit.
Instead of being thankful that I don’t have to wait like that again, I am sad and am going to have to figure out if it’s because she treated my like a person who matters, or if I’m going to miss her confidence, her quiet power in knowing she is good at what she does. One thing I do know, I’d kind of like to be like her when I grow up someday.
8-18-10
After two days of rest, I think my recuperation is going well. My concentration isn't there for reading but I have been watching movies. I learned this morning that I'm not quiet ready for comedies as laughing hurt but wasn't too painful... there is just NO way I'm getting to the bathroom fast & there is something about my sister's giggle that makes me laugh even harder.
I thought I might be getting spoiled having my sister and Chuck here, but they seem to be working hard not to let that happen. Well, maybe not working hard at it, but neither of them can hear well and don't seem to be jumping at my "beck and call." :)
Will be heading to the plastic surgeon's office soon and getting the ON Q tubes removed, I am still draining fluid so I doubt he will remove the drain tubes and balls that catch the fluid. I was hoping for a McDonald's stop on the way home for a hamburger but my sister has already vetoed that....somebody reading this is going to HAVE to come sneak me a cheeseburger and fries!!!
8-16-10
Today marks the first day home home since the surgery and let me tell you, it was much nicer to wake up here than in the hospital. The nurses on 6W at the Good Samaritan were so nice and prompt to check on me when I pinged them, my favorite was Cindi Kerr, CK, she totally "mothered" me and would talk about the details of what she was giving me or doing... I liked that a lot. As nice as that was, Chuck is better!
We aren't letting the cats in the room with me and that isn't going too well, if LBD didn't like to lay on my chest it wouldn't hurt to let them in. She sits outside the door scratching and meowing with the most pitiful cry, it's hard for me not to let her in.
I go see the plastic surgeon either tomorrow or Weds, he will be removing some of the tubes that I am still attached to. I have this cool tube inserted across my chest that has had a numbing agent in it. The bottle is almost empty and as much as I want the tube out I am dreading feeling anything there! There are also drain tubes under each arm that flow into little bottles. They won't come out until the draining stops, it has slowed down so hopefully I will be tube free soon.
Any pain that I have has been managed well, the hardest thing so far is having to ask for help doing the little things. My range of motion is very limited making even reaching for a drink a difficult chore. Vivian scored a bed tray yesterday that is SO helpful, I hadn't thought about needing anything like that but it has made everything easier.
Thanks for the love, the food and the encouragement!
Donna
8-13-10
Good morning world!
Today's adventure begins early and with no coffee... that should be the first sign that something is wrong as coffee consumption should never be interrupted. It would be much easier to be a "good patient" with caffeine in the system... don't these surgeons know anything? ;)
Going into the surgery I did find out some important information from the last surgeon of the day, Dr Winters is scheduled to start the hysterectomy at 1pm and he listens to rock music as he works... if it had been country I would have had to find a new surgeon. Should have asked what he listened to on the first visit. He's also in a local rock band, I can't remember the name but when I get healed up if you want to go with me to listen to him you are welcome to come!
I am a bit nervous that I don't know what the first two surgeons will be listening to, my body could go into shock if it's CCM ... Dr Johnson is Christian, so this is a possibility.
Other than that I'm not nervous, it scares me more to think about cancer being in my body than it does to think about getting it out. My life is amazing, I am surrounded by people who I love and who love me... it doesn't get any better than that. I have places to go and parties to have, here's to getting today over with and on to the next stage of the adventure!
And if you are in the waiting room.... I apologize for what ever music you might be forced to listen to. Give Chuck a hug for me will ya?